I like the idea you are getting at:-

I like the link between words and glass as brittle, temporary, context
dependent and I like the image of the glass and the light on the table
distorted by the engraving.

But I agree with your self-crits and am far too polite to repeat them.

 I wonder if the whole thing needs grounding in a narrative about a real
glass? It makes me think of an engraved glass that I gave my father and that
my mother showed me when clearing things out some time after he died. Maybe
it wouldn't seem so abstract and philosophical if it had some connection to
the concrete?

Terri )O(


-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On Behalf Of
Christina Fletcher
Sent: 18 October 2002 14:09
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: New sub: Glimpse (first draft)


I'm really worried about this little pome.  I've a few questions below and
I'd be grateful for any thoughts anyone might have about them or anything
else.
bw
christina


            Glimpse


            When words are scored in glass and light is caught
            along the splintered edges, it shines
            and spills a shadow on whatever surface lies beneath.

            And in bright sunlight both are clear and can be read
            by half an eye.  But when the sun is blocked
            or of it sinks and sets, the text will vanish

            and where it goes is anybody's guess.
            It was a brittle, fragile thing.  It shone
            and faded and is gone.



This is a pome that popped out.  When I read it it feels terribly 'poetic'.
Is it the iambic pentameters or the language or both or something else?
Does it feel horribly archaic when you read it?  The rhyme in the last two
lines feels pat and poetic too - kind of easy and predictable.  I think
something odd's going on to do with having written too many strict form
sonnets.  Does it read as a constipated piece?  I've a feeling that if
someone else had written it, I'd think 'yuck'.  Well, I think 'yuck' anyway!
Please don't be kind of diplomatic about this.  That word glimpse is very
ugly too, don't you think?  Horrible title but I can't think of anything
else.  On the other hand, if you confirm my fears about this piece I can
toss it in the bin and not worry about the title :-)
Thanks very much.
bw
christina