Dear C
I can't think of a title but I think there are too many 'if's' and 'but's'
in this pome. It has great potential. How about something like this. (Sorry
to start meddling so soon!)
Glimpse
When words are scored in glass and light
is caught along the splintered edges,
they shine and spill a shadow.
In sunlight both are clear, can be read
with half an eye. But as the sun sinks,
the text will vanish: where it goes
is anybody's guess.
It was a brittle, fragile thing
that shone then faded.
-----Original Message-----
From: Christina Fletcher
To: [log in to unmask]
Sent: 18/10/02 14:09
Subject: New sub: Glimpse (first draft)
I'm really worried about this little pome. I've a few questions below
and I'd be grateful for any thoughts anyone might have about them or
anything else.
bw
christina
Glimpse
When words are scored in glass and light is caught
along the splintered edges, it shines
and spills a shadow on whatever surface lies beneath.
And in bright sunlight both are clear and can be read
by half an eye. But when the sun is blocked
or of it sinks and sets, the text will vanish
and where it goes is anybody's guess.
It was a brittle, fragile thing. It shone
and faded and is gone.
This is a pome that popped out. When I read it it feels terribly
'poetic'. Is it the iambic pentameters or the language or both or
something else? Does it feel horribly archaic when you read it? The
rhyme in the last two lines feels pat and poetic too - kind of easy and
predictable. I think something odd's going on to do with having written
too many strict form sonnets. Does it read as a constipated piece?
I've a feeling that if someone else had written it, I'd think 'yuck'.
Well, I think 'yuck' anyway! Please don't be kind of diplomatic about
this. That word glimpse is very ugly too, don't you think? Horrible
title but I can't think of anything else. On the other hand, if you
confirm my fears about this piece I can toss it in the bin and not worry
about the title :-)
Thanks very much.
bw
christina
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