Hi Christina,
Some thoughts. S1 seems to me to go from the plural of words to the singular
of light. 'it shines' is obviously talking about the light, but sort of
ambiguous because of the opening reference to words, I think?
S2 - the opening 'and' is not needed and I think the sentence break is
inappropriate - it would flow better, for me without a stop at that point.
S3 ' where it goes' - which 'it' the light or the text? I think I know, but
I wonder if there is a little unnecessary ambiguity here.
For mine it is these slight ambiguities that are a problem, not the poem
itself.
Cheers,
Frank
>
> Glimpse
>
>
> When words are scored in glass and light is caught
> along the splintered edges, it shines
> and spills a shadow on whatever surface lies beneath.
>
> And in bright sunlight both are clear and can be read
> by half an eye. But when the sun is blocked
> or of it sinks and sets, the text will vanish
>
> and where it goes is anybody's guess.
> It was a brittle, fragile thing. It shone
> and faded and is gone.
>
>
>
>This is a pome that popped out. When I read it it feels terribly 'poetic'.
>Is it the iambic pentameters or the language or both or something else?
>Does
>it feel horribly archaic when you read it? The rhyme in the last two lines
>feels pat and poetic too - kind of easy and predictable. I think something
>odd's going on to do with having written too many strict form sonnets.
>Does
>it read as a constipated piece? I've a feeling that if someone else had
>written it, I'd think 'yuck'. Well, I think 'yuck' anyway! Please don't
>be
>kind of diplomatic about this. That word glimpse is very ugly too, don't
>you
>think? Horrible title but I can't think of anything else. On the other
>hand, if you confirm my fears about this piece I can toss it in the bin and
>not worry about the title :-)
>Thanks very much.
>bw
>christina
>
>
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