hi ryfkah,

i don't think we've ever met, although i have read some of your poetry, and
heard about you from gary and chris z.

it's so difficult to write about things like the holocaust, especially, i
think, for those who were not born then. i attempted it once; and i remember
how shy, or reluctant, i was to share that particular piece with others.

your poem manages to stay away from cliché quite well, and i think it works.
some comments below.


> paradise
>
> mud sloshes
> skeletons march
> the road to nowhere ****i'd probably drop this; it's the only cliché i
spot here, and i don't think it is really necessary****
>
> our camp freed
> many perish from chocolate bars **** not sure about "perish", but cannot
come up with anything right now****
> other acts of loving
> kindness with neither
> hope nor despair
>
> some survive
>
> our number not yet called
> we parade **** quite like "parade" in this poem called "paradise" although
i am not entirely sure whether it is the perfect expression here ... where i
kind of get the impression of people being lost, wandering about aimlessly
... ****
> on blood-soaked ground
>
> germany conceals
> poland denies
> england bars ****you use "bars" in a different sense in stanza two;
intentional? i still have to make up my mind whether i like it or not
*G*****
> america ignores ****in general, these 4 lines DO work for me****
>
> displaced persons ****i'm generally not fond of the word "persons", but
that may be just me****
> we are citizens to no
> place brethren to no
> one with nothing to do ****why the odd line breaks? to support the feeling
of not belonging, "being displaced"?****
>
> go to a land I will show you ****would suggest italics (if you haven't got
them anyway)****
> thus commands G-d ****spell out "God"****
> and we tramp
> to paradise


just a few observations, you will know best what to keep and what to ignore.
:)

best,

michi