Thank you Bob,
for your comments and you are right I am trying to 'fit a square peg in a round
hole' :)
I am putting this in my files with your comments and others to work on
later(when I can see the "lake"
better, that is the way I work, I put it away until maybe I can see it in a
different light
david

Bob Cooper wrote:

> Hi david,
> For me the whole thing doesn't yet feel right... It's as if the poem's still
> trying to clamber up into a pulpit, or onto a podium, to preach something.
> And I can feel the speaker's words more than the things he's talking about.
> Perhaps I want to feel that I'm being taken to the lake and these things are
> highlighted so I can see them, and what they mean, for myself. Perhaps that
> can still be done with the "sun" doing the talking and looking. Perhaps not.
> It's an ambitious task you're tackling! (But not an impossible one!).
> I also still feel that the tight, metrical, rhyming, sonneteering style may
> be a hinderence more than a help. I mean Lakes are huge, not neatly shapen,
> things (usually) and rivers are long things (usually) and this shape looks
> more like a swimming pool... (grin!)
> Bob
>
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