Hi david,
For me the whole thing doesn't yet feel right... It's as if the poem's still
trying to clamber up into a pulpit, or onto a podium, to preach something.
And I can feel the speaker's words more than the things he's talking about.
Perhaps I want to feel that I'm being taken to the lake and these things are
highlighted so I can see them, and what they mean, for myself. Perhaps that
can still be done with the "sun" doing the talking and looking. Perhaps not.
It's an ambitious task you're tackling! (But not an impossible one!).
I also still feel that the tight, metrical, rhyming, sonneteering style may
be a hinderence more than a help. I mean Lakes are huge, not neatly shapen,
things (usually) and rivers are long things (usually) and this shape looks
more like a swimming pool... (grin!)
Bob
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