Hi Sally,
Good to have you back - somewhere deep beyond my screen and a lot of wires
that wander goodness knows where... but end up where you are!
And a powerful poem! I like Christina's suggestions. The only extra thought
I've had is the line "spirits of old wolves (had awakened) within  ***
woke?" (I include Christina's suggested change) and I wonder if you're
saying it's the wolves that are old or the spirits that are old? Part of me
wants to read "old spirits of wolves..." but the rest of me thinks "well,
it's written like that, so that's what I should accept!"
I also see that you've got "wolves" and "hounds" in the plural... (but the
first stanza's got one blackbird and one dog). The poem keep expanding as it
goes along.
Bob



>From: Sally James <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new sub untitled
>Date: Sat, 5 Oct 2002 20:13:39 +0100
>
>Thanks Christina. This has improved the poem. You are exactly right about
>the tense. Pinned to cushioned down maybe too obscure will think about
>this. Thanks Sally J
>
>----- Original Message -----
>From: Christina Fletcher
>Sent: 05 October 2002 18:36
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new sub untitled
>
>Hello Sally, a few notes below.  Brackets where I wonder whether the word/s
>ia/are necessary.  It's mainly the tense that I'd be inclined to think of
>fiddling with but I'm not at all sure.
>Passionate stuff though, especially that penultimate line.
>bw
>christina
>
>
>
>
>Autumn (air) shrouds the window pane
>an early blackbird songs a new day
>blankets warm my feet were once
>a sleepy dog (had) curled
>her stilled lick wet against my cheek
>
>Dreams (had ridden) high in that longing night ***  rode?
>black fur (had) mourned the pale blush of flesh
>spirits of old wolves (had awakened) within  ***  woke?
>pinned me to cushioned down  ***  don't quite get what you mean here
>
>I (had) suckled on the ache of absence
>stroked the faithfulness of hounds
>let primeval urges flow
>till my howl split stars  ***  Blimey, Sally...
>pierced the oblique moon.
>
>Sally James Get more from the Web.  FREE MSN Explorer download :
>http://explorer.msn.com






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