Hi Bob,
Thank you for pointing that out to me, :)
I've changed it in a rewrite and gave more of a lead in the first
I also took out a sound I was playing with (son) and put it in the title by
dropping 'the'
david
Bob Cooper wrote:
> I feel like Homer Simpson, "Doh!" Cos I never thought of Jake as a lake...
> (maybe I was fooled by Billy River running "by" and not into Jake!) (but
> there's clues in there, I can see them now I know!)
> It'll be good to see how it all develops, though.
> Bob
>
> >From: "D.C Bursey" <[log in to unmask]>
> >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: Re: Jake and the sun
> >Date: Tue, 1 Oct 2002 14:09:50 -0230
> >
> >Hi bob,
> >
> >The"me" in the piece was supposed to be Jake (Jake is a lake). The sun is
> >talking to him telling what happened to poor Billy River at the hands of
> >man how
> >he was dammed off and diverted through the city's sewers.
> >Also I wanted the reader to compare Billy river who could have been a real
> >person and the same things happen
> >sometimes when a 'country boy' loses himself in the wrong side of a city.
> >
> >Trying to poke the whole thing inside of a sonnet form may have been a
> >mistake
> >but that is how I learn :)
> >Thank you for reading and commenting (I am planning a rewrite free verse
> >maybe)
> >
> >this is wonderful help
> >david
> >
> >Bob Cooper wrote:
> >
> > > Hi,
> > > I think I agree with the crit that wonders if the form and the content
> >blend
> > > and flow together in this piece. I sort of feel I'm not yet convinced by
> >all
> > > this...
> > > But the idea of the sun chatting away is OK, I don't mind that! But I
> >guess
> > > if the sun was going to do that it would have a bit more life and
> >urgency in
> > > what it was saying! (I guess the sun's a bit to big to merely say "he
> >smiled
> > > at me..." - maybe I'd have to have taken something mega-strong to say
> >this
> > > so calmly!)
> > > And I'm also letting my head spin in all kinds of directions wondering
> >just
> > > what kind of drugs these are (and if the sun helped these drugs actually
> > > grow on some hillside somewhere... is the sun complicit in the tragedy
> >it's
> > > talking about?).
> > > So, I guess I'm thinking the poem may need more space in its
> >construction to
> > > let itself develop, maybe a few phrases that let us glimpse either the
> > > states of mind, the feelings, the sun has, or Jake has (I mean poor Jake
> > > doesn't get much of the poem to himself at all).
> > > (and the title says "Jake and the sun" and I have a feeling I'm reading
> >a
> > > poem about "the sun and Jake")
> > > Bob
> > >
> > > >From: "D.C Bursey" <[log in to unmask]>
> > > >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> > > >To: [log in to unmask]
> > > >Subject: Jake and the sun
> > > >Date: Mon, 30 Sep 2002 22:51:28 -0230
> > > >
> > > >With his usual warm summer gaze, he
> > > >looked down at me, smiled and said I'm your sun.
> > > >I must tell a story, listen to me,
> > > >before paradise garden is all gone.
> > > >Do you remember young Billy River?
> > > >He would run by your back yard all the time,
> > > >your days playing and swimming together,
> > > >he's trapped under concrete and mixes with slime!
> > > >
> > > >Dammed by the man who pumped drugs in his veins
> > > >and squeezed out his power before he fell.
> > > >Poisoned all his friends with toxic drains,
> > > >while looking for more water from the well.
> > > >
> > > >I fear you may be next, my dear friend Jake,
> > > >stolen by creatures who take, take and take.
> > >
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