I feel like Homer Simpson, "Doh!" Cos I never thought of Jake as a lake... 
(maybe I was fooled by Billy River running "by" and not into Jake!) (but 
there's clues in there, I can see them now I know!)
It'll be good to see how it all develops, though.
Bob


>From: "D.C Bursey" <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: Jake and the sun
>Date: Tue, 1 Oct 2002 14:09:50 -0230
>
>Hi bob,
>
>The"me" in the piece was supposed to be Jake (Jake is a lake). The sun is
>talking to him telling what happened to poor Billy River at the hands of 
>man how
>he was dammed off and diverted through the city's sewers.
>Also I wanted the reader to compare Billy river who could have been a real
>person and the same things happen
>sometimes when a 'country boy' loses himself in the wrong side of a city.
>
>Trying to poke the whole thing inside of a sonnet form may have been a 
>mistake
>but that is how I learn :)
>Thank you for reading and commenting  (I am planning a rewrite free verse 
>maybe)
>
>this is wonderful help
>david
>
>Bob Cooper wrote:
>
> > Hi,
> > I think I agree with the crit that wonders if the form and the content 
>blend
> > and flow together in this piece. I sort of feel I'm not yet convinced by 
>all
> > this...
> > But the idea of the sun chatting away is OK, I don't mind that! But I 
>guess
> > if the sun was going to do that it would have a bit more life and 
>urgency in
> > what it was saying! (I guess the sun's a bit to big to merely say "he 
>smiled
> > at me..." - maybe I'd have to have taken something mega-strong to say 
>this
> > so calmly!)
> > And I'm also letting my head spin in all kinds of directions wondering 
>just
> > what kind of drugs these are (and if the sun helped these drugs actually
> > grow on some hillside somewhere... is the sun complicit in the tragedy 
>it's
> > talking about?).
> > So, I guess I'm thinking the poem may need more space in its 
>construction to
> > let itself develop, maybe a few phrases that let us glimpse either the
> > states of mind, the feelings, the sun has, or Jake has (I mean poor Jake
> > doesn't get much of the poem to himself at all).
> > (and the title says "Jake and the sun" and I have a feeling I'm reading 
>a
> > poem about "the sun and Jake")
> > Bob
> >
> > >From: "D.C Bursey" <[log in to unmask]>
> > >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> > >To: [log in to unmask]
> > >Subject: Jake and the sun
> > >Date: Mon, 30 Sep 2002 22:51:28 -0230
> > >
> > >With his usual warm summer gaze, he
> > >looked down at me, smiled and said I'm your sun.
> > >I must tell a story, listen to me,
> > >before paradise garden is all gone.
> > >Do you remember young Billy River?
> > >He would run by your back yard all the time,
> > >your days playing and swimming together,
> > >he's trapped under concrete and mixes with slime!
> > >
> > >Dammed by the man who pumped drugs in his veins
> > >and squeezed out his power before he fell.
> > >Poisoned all his friends with toxic drains,
> > >while looking for more water from the well.
> > >
> > >I fear you may be next, my dear friend Jake,
> > >stolen by creatures who take, take and take.
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
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