Thanks Gary, for your comments and I will put your 'bump' notes in my rewrite
list
I was trying to compare "river to a man-man to a river" and have the story
swing both ways:)
Gary B wrote:
> David, interesting work, good story, but I bump here:
>
> He would run by your back yard all the time,
> your days playing and swimming together,
> he's trapped under concrete and mixes with slime!
>
> all the time and mixes with slime don't quite work for me
>
> Thanks.
>
> Gary
>
> Sept Suzanne and new Centrum at: http://gardawg.homestead.com/gardawg.html
>
> *New* Wild/Eliot Hyperpoem at: http://wildhyper.homestead.com/front.html
>
> Poets for Peace. ˇPoemas sí, balas no!
|