Hi bob,
The"me" in the piece was supposed to be Jake (Jake is a lake). The sun is
talking to him telling what happened to poor Billy River at the hands of man how
he was dammed off and diverted through the city's sewers.
Also I wanted the reader to compare Billy river who could have been a real
person and the same things happen
sometimes when a 'country boy' loses himself in the wrong side of a city.
Trying to poke the whole thing inside of a sonnet form may have been a mistake
but that is how I learn :)
Thank you for reading and commenting (I am planning a rewrite free verse maybe)
this is wonderful help
david
Bob Cooper wrote:
> Hi,
> I think I agree with the crit that wonders if the form and the content blend
> and flow together in this piece. I sort of feel I'm not yet convinced by all
> this...
> But the idea of the sun chatting away is OK, I don't mind that! But I guess
> if the sun was going to do that it would have a bit more life and urgency in
> what it was saying! (I guess the sun's a bit to big to merely say "he smiled
> at me..." - maybe I'd have to have taken something mega-strong to say this
> so calmly!)
> And I'm also letting my head spin in all kinds of directions wondering just
> what kind of drugs these are (and if the sun helped these drugs actually
> grow on some hillside somewhere... is the sun complicit in the tragedy it's
> talking about?).
> So, I guess I'm thinking the poem may need more space in its construction to
> let itself develop, maybe a few phrases that let us glimpse either the
> states of mind, the feelings, the sun has, or Jake has (I mean poor Jake
> doesn't get much of the poem to himself at all).
> (and the title says "Jake and the sun" and I have a feeling I'm reading a
> poem about "the sun and Jake")
> Bob
>
> >From: "D.C Bursey" <[log in to unmask]>
> >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: Jake and the sun
> >Date: Mon, 30 Sep 2002 22:51:28 -0230
> >
> >With his usual warm summer gaze, he
> >looked down at me, smiled and said I'm your sun.
> >I must tell a story, listen to me,
> >before paradise garden is all gone.
> >Do you remember young Billy River?
> >He would run by your back yard all the time,
> >your days playing and swimming together,
> >he's trapped under concrete and mixes with slime!
> >
> >Dammed by the man who pumped drugs in his veins
> >and squeezed out his power before he fell.
> >Poisoned all his friends with toxic drains,
> >while looking for more water from the well.
> >
> >I fear you may be next, my dear friend Jake,
> >stolen by creatures who take, take and take.
>
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