You seem to be a bit bogged down in prepositions and conjunctions
Garbro...powerful message here; I like the contrast between the
pink/sunflower yellow and grey.


kol tuv, Ryfsis


In a message dated 09.22.02 2:41:25 PM, [log in to unmask] writes:

<<  I want this shorter by the how escapes me at the moment.  Thanks in

advance.


Gary


Prisons Where We Find Them


Memories and regrets [how about skipping and, just use a comma]

do a prison make [kind of comes off well worn]

as if carved from granite and brass

and laid in measured rows [drop and since it is in the line above]

bedrock welded into living earth

deeper than the Temple Mount.


We are as restrained

by the first weak recollections of childhood,

single strands of immature thread,

as from coils of hemp [hemp coils

we craft from the debris of adult living  [adult debris?]

that shackle us in gordonian hobbles [We are shackled...

of anxiety and manufactured fear.


first unattended fall

unexpected slap

broken toy

withheld gift

sleight


sand and ash to mortar dungeons dug

by drunken rage

broken bones and cracked skulls

a death

predictable cruelty

discovery


The world may see walls

painted pink and sunflower yellow

instead of penitentiary gray,

and floors may be covered in blue berber  [Floors...]

instead of chipped linoleum;   [comma instead of a semicolon]

but we've built a prison

inescapable as Alcatraz

and hid the key behind quick smiles

and easy laughter.


All we can do now

is to wait to see if the parole board
 [We wait and see if the parole board?]


believes in rehabilitation. >>