In a message dated 09/14/2002 9:06:42 AM Central Daylight Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:
<< REIKO'S MUSEUM ROOM
Static Samurai armour
with business-like sword
in its glas case, preserved,
along with arrows and long-bow,
stands sentinel to a noble lady's
sedan chair, worn and covered with dust
awaits its mistess and servants
to carry it again on another quiet journey.
A sample of silk thread
twined in a secret drawer,
the kettle cols and unhooked from the kashindo,
the travellling hob with ash
boxed and long waiting like the chair,
while the devil mask snarls in
silence and watches over
the scene from a corner
of this private museum room.
We sense these remnants
from an earlier age would
tell their timeless tales of intrigue
about the people who animated them
if they could, about the times before
each became a mute testimony
to the past they survive merely as artefacts.
bw
James >> James, this paints a very vivid picture of a museum scene. I
would consider changing "stands sentinel" because it is a cliche; also, I
think I might do a little smoother phrasing in these lines, " stands sentinel
to a noble lady's
sedan chair, worn and covered with dust
awaits its mistess and servants
to carry it again on another quiet journey."
You might try something similar to the following:
"stands beside a noble lady's sedan chair,
worn and dust covered, awaiting servants
to carry its mistress on other quiet journeys."
Just an idea, James. I like the poem! But the voice is yours, so my
tampering with your phrasing may not suit you at all. It sounds like an
interesting collection of poems. Sue
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