Hi Gar,
As they say in The Princess Bride: As you wish... <taking red pen in hand>
--- garydawg <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> (The line: I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the
> beach.)
>
> I Might Wear White
>
> Between Pentecost and Yom Kipper,
> I might wear white,
> a ice cream suit worthy of Sam Clemens on London's stage [an] [also,
perhaps l-break after worthy]
> or a frame for Brady's Cross of Gold,
> if white were fashionable
> enough
> for the women not to point and whisper
> when I stroll to and fro. [hehehee, I've had that happen to me!]
>
> I might don a robe
> of unbleached lamb's wool,
> held together with hemp rope , ivy vine [check extra space before ,]
> or leather belt,
> rough spun cloth good enough [consider omission of 'good enough']
> until I enter yonder rolls
> while the women pray words seldom heard and point heavenward [l-break
after words?]
> as I dunk and sputter. [excellent this]
>
> Clothed in white,
> I might go to sea in rusty ships or leaky skiffs, [l-break after ships]
> one ear strained to hear [then, l-break after strained - see below]
> the rapids boil,
> the other your babble
> of parasols and fashion [perhaps 'footwear' instead of fashion?]
> as the women on the shore droll on
> about when white is right.
>
> Topped with a spinner
> trimmed in red and blue,
> I might wear a linen suit and wide bow tie [l-break after suit]
> to picnic
> on the grassy knoll -
> peaches, cream and lobster claws consumed
> as the women in the park hawk lemon ice
> and French postcards to read when it is dark. [ooh-la-la!]
>
> I shall wear white flannel trousers,
> rolled to my knees and stroll among the surf
> peach pits tossed to crabs,
> crosses traded for sanded dollars,
> parasols adrift on the wind,
> postcards wrapped in cellophane, safely tucked away
> to show the women while they scrub grass stains
> from my outer garments.
>
> The inner lost when stole [stolen]
> by a painter
> in need of rags to clean his brushes. [l-break after rags?]
>
> *
>
> If I looked inside me I might find [omit 'me']
> a small dog,
> the yapping kind, Chinese, [consider 'the yapping Chinese kind? lol or
Mexican said the chihuahua owner...lol]
> a kitten starved
> or parakeet that lost a voice it never knew it had. [who's perhaps
instead of that - a personal preference...nothing more. Great images in
this stanza BTW]
>
> A disciple unsure
> The Word he has been given
> is not the Devil's folly
> or he is worthy
> of the attention a Word brings.
>
> And they wander the sands
> in search of Moses
> and water
> as they trail
> behind Lawrence's abandoned camel.
>
> A lawyer
> who sues for innerwear
> in hopes
> the outer will given freely [will BE given...]
> without the expense of open court and bribed judges. [omit the]
>
> And the women
> sit and sip their tea,
> sit and point and gossip
> of you and me
> anxious for home and French postcards. [HA!! 6, count 'em, 6! ands...tsk
tsk tsk.... so unlike you Gar... but keep 'em in, they work here...lol]
>
> As inside
> I walk upon the beach
> in unrolled white trousers
> wet with surf
> and brown with sand and kelp.
About S3, if I may:
Clothed in white,
I might go to sea in rusty ships
or leaky skiffs, one ear strained
to hear the rapids boil,
Oh Gardawg, this is superduper. You've inspired me, I'll have to pop over
and grab a line. The only other comment I'd make is to watch your line
breaks, they're a little out of breath on a read aloud on some and a
little not enough on others... Read it to Tuxedo Cat out loud and he'll
tell you.
Thanks for the pleasure Gar,
Good Cheer & Be Well as always, Mare :O)
=====
Good Cheer & Be Well,
Maryann Hazen-Stearns
"Under The Limbo Stick"
http://www.geocities.com/Faerhart/
also available at these locations:
http://www.vivisphere.com http://www.amazon.com
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