Hi Arthur,
I think Sally's saying something really important here. It could be that 
more references to what you're doing (as you're unpacking) might help. I 
mean if you mention you're glancing down, out through the window, as you 
take things out of the bag/suit-case and/or put them away and close the 
drawers could help the reader to recognise that this is something that could 
be happening in a real world they know as well.
There's strong images here, but you could add other things and let some of 
them work in pointing to the feeling the poem's drawing on as well.
I often believe that a poem is the result of a collision between two 
unexpected images (and the poem works in the frisson, the energy, between 
them!). That you're exploring the complex associations of unpacking (that 
connects with present feelings of loss and re-adjustment) and watching a 
younger couple (that connects to memories) is that kind of energy/frisson.
The contrasts, and similarities, between the young couple and the experience 
of the poet can be played out - and often in very subtle ways (ways the poet 
isn't always fully aware of!). The details about what's unpacked, and how 
it's done, can be told simply and movingly...
Have you read Douglas Dunn's book Elegies, a book length sequence about the 
death of his wife?  It's about 15 years old - but it's a book libraries 
should still keep, a kind of classic.
Another thought I'm having is about the shape of the poem... I know you 
often work with double spaced lines (and that often lets a lot of 
unintentional air into a poem) but I wondered if lines were longer, or if 
stanzas were joined together, how that would change how the significane of 
some words, and some phrases, may increase or diminish?
It's a good poem, Arthur, that's worth a tad more work!
Bob


>From: Sally Evans <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Unpacking
>Date: Sun, 1 Sep 2002 22:11:40 +0100
>
>
>
>Arthur I think there is more than one poem muddled up here. Stanzas one and
>two almost make a poem in themselves.
>Stanzas 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, and 10 (the ones about the young couple) make a poem
>in themselves
>and there are two stray stanzas about the sea and sunset.
>I like poems to have a line of argument and I think that while more than 
>one
>argument >can< be mixed, it is difficult to do and they have to shed light
>on each other a bit more necessarily than these examples.
>bw
>SallyE
>
>on 31/8/02 3:46 pm, arthur seeley at [log in to unmask] wrote:
>
>               Unpacking
>
>
>
>A long year
>
>a death and a hard journey
>
>behind me and
>
>twenty minutes until dinner
>
>
>
>I leave the suitcase locked
>
>and stand instead to watch
>
>beyond my curtain
>
>the pass of people
>
>
>
>a young woman
>
>in dark trousers and lemon blouse
>
>laughs throws her hair
>
>and bends her ear to his mouth
>
>
>
>they hold hands fingers interlocked
>
>lean into each other
>
>he murmurs again she laughs
>
>and two storeys up
>
>
>
>I hear her bubbles of delight
>
>someone drops a paper bag
>
>wind-chased it scutters
>
>across the car park
>
>
>
>the sea gleams
>
>faint lights from  the far fleet
>
>glow beyond the line of cliffs
>
>               I brush a dead fly from the sill
>
>
>
>the sun sets low in stained clouds
>
>and paths of light
>
>bloody
>
>the still surface
>
>
>
>she accepts a kiss spins away
>
>and moves towards the road
>
>he calls she looks back
>
>but does not stop
>
>
>
>moves out of sight
>
>beyond the newsagent¹s a few cars slide past
>
>he locks his car
>
>and walks in another direction
>
>
>
>strings of coloured lights and people
>
>blossom along the promenade
>
>the moon is sudden
>
>and pale in the darkening sky.
>
>
>






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