Hi Ryfkah,
This one really works for me! It seems to say, all the way through, this is
how it was and this is how it is If it was like this or if it wasn't seems
immaterial! - it feels true!
The man "recoils" on the bed (wow!). Now that's a word to play with (a
recoiling back into something tighter... the recoil of a gun... or moving
back so there's no possible contact... or simply lying flat and, maybe,
grimacing... However I imagine it, it's a potent description!
I'm not sure who says ">I have one life  I want to be happy" though...
But the image of the years passing like a sailboat race is something that
feels so fresh, such a good similie!
But I'm thinking the phrase "her heart's meditations" is either a bit
superflous or a bit of a "this is what art's about for ME" kind of phrase.
It might be that the reader can be given some phrase that is more objective
(more descriptive of the things she's doing) or needn't be given anything at
all here - and can recognise that that's what she must be about anyway...
But I wouldn't want the ironic power of the last comments about the critics
to lose any of its power!
That it's all in the present tense is also intruiging! I sense years
passing... Yet I sense that the pain that's illustrated in this poem is
(probably) as fresh at the end as it was when the poem begins.
It's a it-says-so-much powerful poem.
Bob



>From: Ryfkah * <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: One Life
>Date: Sun, 18 Aug 2002 14:05:01 EDT
>
>One Life
>
>
>A mummy
>in white shorts and tee
>the man recoils on their bed
>The woman wants to place fingertips
>on flesh  wants to touch his heart
>A conjured wall sustains
>
>He doesn't chat over coffee
>and newspaper   He pretends
>her nonexistence  no God no wife
>Fingernails claw  she trembles
>a small death
>
>Please leave  she pleads
>He announces  Its my house my children
>Their twelve year old cleans her room
>the middle child just eats and eats
>the baby demands to be held
>
>Like a sailboat race years pass
>Children grow and go
>He has gone through several women
>his search for someone sensational
>I have one life  I want to be happy
>
>She paints in her studio
>her heart's meditations
>The critics acclaim her freshness
>find her exciting
>
>Ryfkah 8-18-02






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