Thanks Christina for your insightful comments...something to chew upon.
kol tuv, Ryfkah
In a message dated 8/12/02 11:54:55 PM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< Hello Ryfkah. Yes, it works and it's touching - the sorrow comes through.
But I wonder whether it might be worth considering putting more emphasis on
the scientific stuff? The metaphor's an interesting one for me (and, I
suspect, for many readers with a non-scientific background) and I like the
idea of learning through poetry. Not so keen on lines like 'the half moon my
lover' - they're OK but not fresh, original images and I can't help feeling
that there are hundreds of new ways of saying the same thing through science.
The lines 'All I ever did wrong/was love too much' are a problem for me.
They make me feel slightly unsympathetic towards the narrator since things
are usually a lot more complicated and it's such a cliche. On the other
hand, it really is the way most of us see things at the time, so, hell's
teeth, I don't know whether what I'm tapping here has any validity at all. >>
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