I'm wondering if thereis a meandering of tense in S1 - words like 'might'
and 'were' work ok for me, but I feel a clash with the active nature of
'when I stroll'. I might be all over the place with this though - just
struck me that way, and I'm aware that it may be deliberate on your part.
if white were fashionable
enough
for the women not to point and whisper
when I troll to and fro.
Frank, it was delibrate but I will look at a change. I found myself
overloaded with as in this bit and wanted a sound that might bring a
misstep, like a stumble.
Any other comments more than welcome.
Thanks.
Gary
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Poets for Peace. ˇPoemas sí, balas no!
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