Arthur, I like the terse and vivid pictures here. As
usual I make some suggestions but of course you do not
need to read further just register my praise, cheers,
cara
--- Arthur <[log in to unmask]> wrote: >
They reorganised education in the city
(How about a semi-colon after 'city' and no 'and')>
> and closed the old school.
>(semi-colon rather than full stop)
>
>
> Windows shuttered with blind boards.
>('shuttered windows with...' still dependent on
'they' Continue with semi-colon and active voice))
> Squeals stilled, mauling boys dismissed.
>
>
>
> Wind bowls hoops of leaves down empty playground;
> (Do you need 'down empty playground?)
> chases beer cans into corners.
>
>
>
> Pale and hunched someone pukes a childhood he
> detests
> (I'm not sure you need 'pale and hunched' and I
don't like the 'someone' much. For once I might
prefer the passive. 'A childhood he detests is
puked'. There might even be something to be said for
'is brought up against' although the ambiguity may be
too misdirecting.).
> against the mossed and grimy wall.
>
>
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