In a message dated 7/27/02 4:59:37 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< Instance 1 [are there instance 2, 3, etc.?]
He decided that walking time [you could leave out that]
was part of the moment
part of the journey
and not just what happened [this reader at this point is captured and wants
to know more]
between start and finish
of an individual journey [maybe don't need this line?]
for a lot could still be seen
and learnt on the move
that could easily take thoughts
beyond the mundane - in today's [somehow 'in' doesn't ring right here]
journey many things were seen
as seen many times before [perhaps skip as?]
each benign in their presence
assigned their place in the daily [places instead of their place?]
pathway, the tarmac, cobbles
and concrete that daily met
his tred. Unspoken too though
familiar faces seen all moving
through the same or similar
time slot. He counted it all. >> [This ending is superb - sums up the gist
of the poem]
I like the flow of your poem and the feel of actually being on a journey;
looking forward to the other poems. A few years ago, I wrote 30+ eroltic
poems in 48 hours.
kol tuv, Ryfkah
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