Hi Arthur,
As I said to Frank this is a very rough cut literally keyed in from my
notebook. Thanks for taking time to tease out the problem areas.
bw
James
>From: arthur seeley <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Barges
>Date: Wed, 24 Jul 2002 18:42:42 +0100
>
>James, this is a good poem with lots going for it. The language reflects
>the
>slow lumpen nature of the subject. There are places where you seem to lose
>your way, well I cannot follow is closer to the point. I have made some
>comments in the text of the poem but I really do feel the last strophe is
>very unnecessary, the metaphor is clear enough and doesn't need this very
>unsubtle signpost, IMO. There are a few typos which I assume you are aware
>of. Regards Arthur.
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "James Bell" <[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Wednesday, July 24, 2002 8:54 AM
>Subject: New sub: Barges
>
>
> > The is a second try at sending this one. The other one didn't seem to
> > connect.
> >
> > BARGES
> >
> > Hulks held down by mooring ropes
> > beached as the tide slips out
> > down the estuary
> >
> > something to watch and do nothing about
> > though they don't care( not sure who doesn't care about what??)
> > as the hawsers tighten further
> >
> > as if they will sudenly
> > rear up and kick an invisible keeper
> > who is stronger than they
> >
> > and will merely remind them
> > of this act of futility while( I assume the hawsers are reminding the
>barges of their fettered condition but the subject and object have been
>greatly separated)
> > their utter stillness begs defiance( whose stillness is begging whose
>defiance is not clear, sorry)
> >
> > silent unmoveable anarchy
> > sat on a flat sand bar
> > they will wait for water to float
> >
> > fat flat hulls and renew
> > some sense of free movement -
> > not made for the high seas
> >
> > their willingness to slow sail
> > the stuary is acceptable
> > dumb humbleness and remember
> >
> > there are people like this
> > who are mere carriers for the
> > Queen of Egypt and others of her kind.( the lesson and point of your
>poem
>was made far earlier than this, James, IMO)
> >
> >
> >
> > bw
> > James
> >
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
> > Send and receive Hotmail on your mobile device: http://mobile.msn.com
bw
James
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