Hi Frank,
Thanks for your valued comments. This is a very rough cut of a poem, so
you've helped to highlight the problems it has at the moment.Liked seeing
your work in Nightingale by the way. I was due to be in but didn't make the
deadline.
bw
James
>From: Frank Faust <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Barges
>Date: Thu, 25 Jul 2002 10:28:02 +1000
>
>Hi James,
>
>This piece doesn't work well for me. It's a little flat and contains some
>ambiguities (in my reading of it) that hold it back. Thoughts below.
>
>S1 - 'down' and 'out' strike me as being a little similar. maybe one could
>go or be changed?
>
>S2 - Not sure about the reference to 'they' - the act of watching implies
>critters that can, though my reading of the stanza suggests 'they' may be
>the hulks? AS little confusing for me it's either a case of who is watching
>- or - who doesn't care - 2 different groups, I think.
>
>S2/S3 'as' in closing and opening lines could be substituted, I think.
>
>S3 - the image of kicking the keeper didn't quite work for me - I
>understand the sense of tautness being described, but a 'kick' doesn't
>convey it for me.
>
>S4 is again ambiguous in my reading of it - 'them' being futile in trying
>to kick, 'their' stillness. Conflicting images for me.
>
>No real nits with the rest of the piece, but it seems a little flat - mebbe
>a reflection that is an accurate protrayal.
>
>Anyway, some thoughts. Please disregard wherever they don't work or
>misinterpret.
>
>Cheers,
>
>Frank
>
>
>
>
>>BARGES
>>
>>Hulks held down by mooring ropes
>>beached as the tide slips out
>>down the estuary
>>
>>something to watch and do nothing about
>>though they don't care
>>as the hawsers tighten further
>>
>>as if they will sudenly
>>rear up and kick an invisible keeper
>>who is stronger than they
>>
>>and will merely remind them
>>of this act of futility while
>>their utter stillness begs defiance
>>
>>silent unmoveable anarchy
>>sat on a flat sand bar
>>they will wait for water to float
>>
>>fat flat hulls and renew
>>some sense of free movement -
>>not made for the high seas
>>
>>their willingness to slow sail
>>the stuary is acceptable
>>dumb humbleness and remember
>>
>>there are people like this
>>who are mere carriers for the
>>Queen of Egypt and others of her kind.
>>
>>
>>
>>bw
>>James
>>
>>
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>
>
>
>The Tales of Faust poetry page can be found at:
>http://www.hotkey.net.au/~flp/F_index.htm
>
>
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bw
James
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