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Subject:

Re: New sub: Barges

From:

Frank Faust <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>

Date:

Thu, 25 Jul 2002 10:28:02 +1000

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (89 lines)

Hi James,

This piece doesn't work well for me. It's a little flat and contains some 
ambiguities (in my reading of it) that hold it back. Thoughts below.

S1 - 'down' and 'out' strike me as being a little similar. maybe one could 
go or be changed?

S2 - Not sure about the reference to 'they' - the act of watching implies 
critters that can, though my reading of the stanza suggests 'they' may be 
the hulks? AS little confusing for me it's either a case of who is watching 
- or - who doesn't care - 2 different groups, I think.

S2/S3 'as' in closing and opening lines could be substituted, I think.

S3 - the image of kicking the keeper didn't quite work for me - I understand 
the sense of tautness being described, but a 'kick' doesn't convey it for 
me.

S4 is again ambiguous in my reading of it - 'them' being futile in trying to 
kick, 'their' stillness. Conflicting images for me.

No real nits with the rest of the piece, but it seems a little flat - mebbe 
a reflection that is an accurate protrayal.

Anyway, some thoughts. Please disregard wherever they don't work or 
misinterpret.

Cheers,

Frank




>BARGES
>
>Hulks held down by mooring ropes
>beached as the tide slips out
>down the estuary
>
>something to watch and do nothing about
>though they don't care
>as the hawsers tighten further
>
>as if they will sudenly
>rear up and kick an invisible keeper
>who is stronger than they
>
>and will merely remind them
>of this act of futility while
>their utter stillness begs defiance
>
>silent unmoveable anarchy
>sat on a flat sand bar
>they will wait for water to float
>
>fat flat hulls and renew
>some sense of free movement -
>not made for the high seas
>
>their willingness to slow sail
>the stuary is acceptable
>dumb humbleness and remember
>
>there are people like this
>who are mere carriers for the
>Queen of Egypt and others of her kind.
>
>
>
>bw
>James
>
>
>_________________________________________________________________
>Send and receive Hotmail on your mobile device: http://mobile.msn.com




The Tales of Faust poetry page can be found at: 
http://www.hotkey.net.au/~flp/F_index.htm


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