Hi James,
This piece doesn't work well for me. It's a little flat and contains some
ambiguities (in my reading of it) that hold it back. Thoughts below.
S1 - 'down' and 'out' strike me as being a little similar. maybe one could
go or be changed?
S2 - Not sure about the reference to 'they' - the act of watching implies
critters that can, though my reading of the stanza suggests 'they' may be
the hulks? AS little confusing for me it's either a case of who is watching
- or - who doesn't care - 2 different groups, I think.
S2/S3 'as' in closing and opening lines could be substituted, I think.
S3 - the image of kicking the keeper didn't quite work for me - I understand
the sense of tautness being described, but a 'kick' doesn't convey it for
me.
S4 is again ambiguous in my reading of it - 'them' being futile in trying to
kick, 'their' stillness. Conflicting images for me.
No real nits with the rest of the piece, but it seems a little flat - mebbe
a reflection that is an accurate protrayal.
Anyway, some thoughts. Please disregard wherever they don't work or
misinterpret.
Cheers,
Frank
>BARGES
>
>Hulks held down by mooring ropes
>beached as the tide slips out
>down the estuary
>
>something to watch and do nothing about
>though they don't care
>as the hawsers tighten further
>
>as if they will sudenly
>rear up and kick an invisible keeper
>who is stronger than they
>
>and will merely remind them
>of this act of futility while
>their utter stillness begs defiance
>
>silent unmoveable anarchy
>sat on a flat sand bar
>they will wait for water to float
>
>fat flat hulls and renew
>some sense of free movement -
>not made for the high seas
>
>their willingness to slow sail
>the stuary is acceptable
>dumb humbleness and remember
>
>there are people like this
>who are mere carriers for the
>Queen of Egypt and others of her kind.
>
>
>
>bw
>James
>
>
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