Hi Bunny,
Part of the poem is as you say, a vision of elderly people still doing what
they did fifty years before. Many thnks for the useful comments. I'll be
picking up some although the poem has already been revised since this
version, you've anaged to suggest some final polishing touches.
bw
James


>From: Bunny Goodjohn <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: crit: the skateboard pensioners
>Date: Sat, 20 Jul 2002 15:25:16 -0400
>
>Hello james,
>
>You know, I've often wondered how, as a baby boomer, I am going to age
>gracefully? Will it be the norm for everyone's grandmother to have either a
>tummy ring or a celtic tattoo - or both? I can't get my head around Billy
>Bragg ever collecting his pension! Love this poem. I don't have a a problem
>with the length, but some of the sentances are huge :) I might split some
>for ease of delivery. It's pretty hard to say out loud without pausing for
>breath. Some crits:
>
>
>THE SKATEBOARD PENSIONERS
>
>There's the click, click click of wheels ## if you have one comma, you need
>another :)
>like metal over metal on rails as they scoot ## stream rather than scoot
>maybe?
>past in a line, a train with litle legs
>in cut-off Oxford bags that set off feet ## love this image
>clad with big Nike trainers that silently pound
>the concrete slabs to propel their boards forward
>and all accord to reverse baseball cap status
>to achieve maximum streamlined speed.
>
>Beneath the head gear
>peep whisps of grey and white hair, ## how about stray whisps? Peeps sounds
>a little bird like.
>on males a well groomed whisker or two
>on females at least one blue rinse
>and another a twin set and pearls.  ## what? Under her hat? :D
>
>Other people dodge out of the way ## drop other
>jump into shop doorways for safety  ## drop shop
>as the skateboard pensioners belt
>up and down the streets without care.  ## without a care in the world or
>carelessly?
>
>In all the hurly burly of their free show
>its as if they know they need to perform, ## it's as if ..  I would full
>stop at end of line.
>digress to carry out their repetoire of stunts -
>one does dare-devil stuff on a wheel chair ramp ## drop one does
>as another does a noisy glissade ## drop as another does
>and a flamenco dancer stomp on the end ## drop and
>of his board and watches through the upper end
>of bifocals as it spirals in the air ## love this line.
>as working people, kids just out of school, ## I might drop these next five
>lines and end on the image of the bifocals. It is just so magic.
>shopkeepers in fear for their properties,
>all just stop and stare until the click, click, click
>of wheels over pavement slabs begin again
>to a collective sigh of let out air
>
>On their sweatshirts the signs of complete anarchy:
>READY TO GO ANYTIME
>SPENT THE FUCKING LOT
>HIP REPLACEMENTS ARE HIP
>
>The last words haunt as much as threaten ## I'd drop this line.
>WE'LL BE BACK NEXT PENSION DAY. ## I love these lines but wonder if they
>would do better in the middle when describing their hats and hair etc.
>
>
>
>Bunny
>"Sometimes a poem about a fish is just that - a poem about a fish."




bw
James


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