Hello grasshopper,
this has beautifully subtle overtones of unrequited love (or lust) between
the "he" and the "she". I love the questions it raises and the imagery -
esp. the violas (used to collect them, so they are close to my heart)
Brightfaced is just right.
gateway ## I like the title. The gate serves as a gateway, or
entrance, on more than one level. If she asked him in, it would be a gateway
into their future etc. etc. Nice.
he hoped that she would ask him
in but she stands behind the gate ## comma before but
and chats softly, asks about ## I like the fact she chats softly.
the postman, was he late, has
he called? she is going out
again, will not return until
the day after tomorrow, would
he take in a package if it came? ## she is expecting something important,
and its not him.
he stands beside the gate and
nods, of course, anything, after all,
that's what a neighbour's for, ## slightly clunky sentence.
and she smiles, goes down her path ## I might have her walk rather than
"go"
past mounds of brightfaced violas, ## nice. v nice.
and shuts the slick red door ## slick red door sounds great.
behind her.
grasshopper
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Bunny
"Sometimes a poem about a fish is just that - a poem about a fish."
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