Shalom Bob

Thanks for the articulate insights; I'll certainly take them into serious
consideration.

kol tuv, Ryfkah


In a message dated 7/18/02 2:33:50 PM, [log in to unmask] writes:

<< Hi Ryfkah,
I love the sounds of this poem (as well as exploring and savouring the
sentiments!). The 1st stanza sounds just right in my ears - particularly
when I just say "dusk" and not "twi-dusk" (which sounds more artificial than
innovative to me!). The sounds (with the sibillance at the start of some
words and the ends of others) really sounds slow and like the sound of the
sea's edge. And I find myself linking the sounds of words:
blaze/dusk/branch/roast (for one example of links) and really enjoying where
the sounds happen as the poem's read. It's a lovely poem to read.
Then, in the last stanza, I think everything changes with:
"Tide shifts
>An orca bounds from blackened silver
>Stabbing stars sweep across the vista
>Other lovers caress
>
>Secluded I sit in remembrance"

OK, I know you've hinted at the shift with the line about the stars' light
eventually becoming extinct (and I enjoy not knowing if that's because of
the sun's rising in the morning or beacuse this scene is/should be/could be
as significant as the amount of time, the aeons before the star's light is
eventually burnt out). But I don't like the shift in the poem when it
happens, how it's handled... because I feel as if I'm still so close to the
marshmallow, and that's interesting (and I've been close to the long hair,
I've been taken under the pier...)
But then the writer seems to say "OK. That's enough of that! Let's just
write about the tide, the distant stars, other people!" and I feel as if I
want to know about the pleasing, the pain, the waves, where I've been taken
to... Because I'm sure the voice of the poem doesn't just stop the scene
abruptly after the marshmallows start to swell and melt either!
(Ooops, I don't mean I necessarily want more intimate/erotic details... but
I feel I do want something that keeps me focused on the there and then, on
the person or on what's there in the person's
hearing/seeing/tasting/touching/feeling...)
And, like James, I wonder if the "I" of the poem is still sitting "in
rememberence" when it's all happening (even when the tide's gone out again!)
- or is doing the remembering now (is the last line past tense or present
tense?).
Bob
(PS You've had me singing "Under The Boardwalk" all evening as well!) >>