Hi Bunny,
Yes, a slinky tale from downtown somewhere. I'm going to go into the poem to
make comments rather than just say as thereare lots of good bits in it. I
think it just needs a little tightening up.
bw
James
>From: Bunny Goodjohn <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: sub: Dancing at Madam Organs
>Date: Sat, 13 Jul 2002 19:45:33 -0400
>
>Hello everyone,
>
>I used to be active on this list but somehow got out of the loop. I know it
>is bad form to submit without critting, but I fully intend to spend my
>entire Sunday with virtual pen in hand! Any help you can give me on this
>one
>would be well received. Cheers.
>
>Dancing at Madam Organs
>
>She dances for him at the bar,
>smooth gleam of breasts (miss out "smooth gleam of")
>symmetric through the neckline
>of her dress, slim and laughing,
>not at him but at the whole damn world. ( just "world")
>Her dance, a carnival, a fiesta
>launched on cheap red wine.
>Her body so fine, it makes the other men
>ache for just one night, or an hour
>or a moment when they might touch
>their hips to hers.
>And the cinnamon boy dances too,
>his lean thighs and pelvis grind,
>palms sway, stroking the outline (stroke?)
>of the girl’s smoke-haze aura.
>Behind them, the sax player,
>all gold and shine charms
>his way through the bar,
>trailing notes so sweet
>they could sugar your heart,
>and Camille grinds out Marley,
>stretching the words (stretches?)
>til they fall to the floor, a lament
>to a woman’s tears, and the girl
>in the black dress dances closer
>to the cinnamon boy, her hips
>graze his just long enough to feel
>the need, and the dance is no longer
>a dance, but a prelude to something else.
>She knows he just wants to get his hands
>on the smooth gleam, and the throb of the sax ("on her tits" perhaps)
>through her breastbone, the way
>the boy’s slides the air through his fingers
>makes her need the smooth gleam too. ("his hands too" or something else. I
>don't think you need to strive for poetic effect as it spoils the gritty
>reality of the scene)
>
>
>
>Bunny
>"Sometimes a poem about a fish is just that - a poem about a fish."
bw
James
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