Hi Ryfkah,
(Another late response!)
This poem has some wonderful moments I'm still savouring! (The roses
steaming... "The ancient claret tasted like an ancient song" and then the
kiss... wow!).
I think I agree with the comment about the title appearing as a title and at
the end. I sense the title could do more work: maybe give location, dates,
names, places... etc.)
And I also tend to read it almost like a list - where one thing just follows
the one before it. Could small words like "as" and "while" and "when" and
"and" and maybe one "then" help the make things happen with the smooth kind
of flow that we tend to have in our memories?
Bob
>From: Ryfkah * <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New Poem: The Delineation of Love
>Date: Mon, 8 Jul 2002 11:17:19 EDT
>
>The Delineation of Love
>
>You sleep even as sunshine
>blankets the bedroom
>Tiny red ants tramp up the hose
>onto my arms legs breast
>The garden bears few flowers
>Stems bend in the arid air
>
>Yesterday you handed me
>a few scarlet roses
>Their perfume steamed
>through the summer night
>The aged claret tasted
>like an ancient song
>You and I kissed in rhapsody
>with its primordial sound
>The full moon reddened
>another woman in her cycle
>
>A hummingbird sucks from
>an apple sapling's last blossoms
>I see your smile in the window
>Your cheeks flush in the light
>I know the delineation of love
>
>Ryfkah 7/7/02
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