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Subject:

Re: Sub: Missing You

From:

Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>

Date:

Sat, 13 Jul 2002 12:19:45 +0000

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (70 lines)

Hi Christina,
With a late response!
I like what this poem's doing. I find, tho, the word "call" gets used so
many times - so, sometimes, when I've read it it's the word that sticks in
my mind and not what it's saying! Are there any other words (or short
phrases) that could be used?
And/Or...
I'm also wondering if it needs to be all in one block... It seems to be a
poem that's wanting to take its time with the reader (and I always read
single blocks of words more quickly than poems that use more white space.
Here's a little experiment:

          Since we said goodbye, I've tried to call you
>         but have the wrong number. Weekend Security
>         can't trace you:
                           there are hundreds of flats;
>         they can't find your name or records.

>         If you know me, you'll call
                                      because you'll know
>         it's only at the point of loss I know
>         what I might be losing.
                                   If you don't call,
>         I'll know you don't know me and I've lost nothing -
>         though it's crossed my mind you might think
>         my coolness means I don't want you to call.
>
          But how could I want you to call when you were here?
>         Now, I do want you to call.
                                       On the other hand,
>         if you do, I might be cool, say goodbye,
>         wish you happiness and a safe journey... >>

(and, to add more depth I almost put a gap between the penultimate and last
lines as well!) (But I don't know how much depth you want the last line to
carry - if it's also an afterthought...)

I've thought how to explain what I've done above, but the explanation seems
more complicated than just showing what I mean! There's lots of other ways
of breaking the lines in other places that also create or change the
emphasis and impact different phrases have. It's just a suggestion. Does it
work OK for you? Does it now look like it needs more things mentioned?
Doors, doorbells, telephones, 1471, answering machines... Whaddya think?
Bob

>         Missing You
>
>         Since we said goodbye, I've tried to call you
>         but have the wrong number. Weekend Security
>         can't trace you: there are hundreds of flats;
>         they can't find your name or records.
>         If you know me, you'll call because you'll know
>         it's only at the point of loss I know
>         what I might be losing. If you don't call,
>         I'll know you don't know me and I've lost nothing -
>         though it's crossed my mind you might think
>         my coolness means I don't want you to call.
>         But how could I want you to call when you were here?
>         Now, I do want you to call. On the other hand,
>         if you do, I might be cool, say goodbye,
>         wish you happiness and a safe journey... >>






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