Hi Christina,
With a late response!
I like what this poem's doing. I find, tho, the word "call" gets used so
many times - so, sometimes, when I've read it it's the word that sticks in
my mind and not what it's saying! Are there any other words (or short
phrases) that could be used?
And/Or...
I'm also wondering if it needs to be all in one block... It seems to be a
poem that's wanting to take its time with the reader (and I always read
single blocks of words more quickly than poems that use more white space.
Here's a little experiment:
Since we said goodbye, I've tried to call you
> but have the wrong number. Weekend Security
> can't trace you:
there are hundreds of flats;
> they can't find your name or records.
> If you know me, you'll call
because you'll know
> it's only at the point of loss I know
> what I might be losing.
If you don't call,
> I'll know you don't know me and I've lost nothing -
> though it's crossed my mind you might think
> my coolness means I don't want you to call.
>
But how could I want you to call when you were here?
> Now, I do want you to call.
On the other hand,
> if you do, I might be cool, say goodbye,
> wish you happiness and a safe journey... >>
(and, to add more depth I almost put a gap between the penultimate and last
lines as well!) (But I don't know how much depth you want the last line to
carry - if it's also an afterthought...)
I've thought how to explain what I've done above, but the explanation seems
more complicated than just showing what I mean! There's lots of other ways
of breaking the lines in other places that also create or change the
emphasis and impact different phrases have. It's just a suggestion. Does it
work OK for you? Does it now look like it needs more things mentioned?
Doors, doorbells, telephones, 1471, answering machines... Whaddya think?
Bob
> Missing You
>
> Since we said goodbye, I've tried to call you
> but have the wrong number. Weekend Security
> can't trace you: there are hundreds of flats;
> they can't find your name or records.
> If you know me, you'll call because you'll know
> it's only at the point of loss I know
> what I might be losing. If you don't call,
> I'll know you don't know me and I've lost nothing -
> though it's crossed my mind you might think
> my coolness means I don't want you to call.
> But how could I want you to call when you were here?
> Now, I do want you to call. On the other hand,
> if you do, I might be cool, say goodbye,
> wish you happiness and a safe journey... >>
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