Gary, this feels heavily influenced by Prufrock. What I like (a lot) is the
journey with sound after the club has closed, the lines that sound as though
they're in your own true 'voice' and the ending. I'd be terribly interested
to see what would happen if you temporarily forgot form and took out
anything that smacked of TS. It feels, in essence, like a real winner to
me.
Christina, good observation. I started it more with sheeps in the
meadow/cows in the corn in mind, but at some point thought I could do
another Purfrock for the Eliot hyper. But then once I got going changed my
mind and let the rhythm of the first six lines take over after several false
starts. Since, I've done some revision which likely leaves the Eliot
undertow but also changes the beat again.
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It could also be that the last stanza is, very consciously, showing that
it's trying to close the poem off. Some poems need to feel altogether closed
to be complete, but other's can be left open. I'm not sure if it could be
done here - but could the sentiment be shown in a way that is even more
open, less summed-up and complete?
Bob, good quesiton. In the revision
Through one high in the darkest corner,
the music seeps to disturb
a baby's sleep as he lays on soiled sheets.
And your beat, Blue Bobby, your beat
melds with the thin child's dreams,
finds and fills an emptiness, a hole,
to years later boil a new jazzman's soul.
I took out crack which it seems to me gives the poem more places to go.
The bugle call lines were written before I looked towards Purfrock and kept
after I looked away.
Thanks much, folks for the comments. They helped.
Gary
June Thomas and new Gar trash at: http://gardawg.homestead.com/gardawg.html
*New* Wild/Eliot Hyperpoem at: http://wildhyper.homestead.com/front.html
Poets for Peace. ˇPoemas sí, balas no!
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