Hi Ryfkah,
You've caught something big, here, in very small words. I like the style,
the mood it creates. (Is clammors spelt like that in the US?) and I think
the "wafts" word's been mentioned already...).
I also like the first word "Like" - I'll have to try starting something like
that! It works in a startling way.
I don't think I would write with lines so short that they sometimes need the
next line to get anything from them (ie "we observe them from/ the other
side" I'd invariably put the from on the next line.) but I can appreciate
the rhythm you're using. The line I mention could be changed though...
whaddya think?
As for the rest? Canny!
Bob
>From: Ryfkah * <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New: Saturday
>Date: Sat, 29 Jun 2002 11:30:03 EDT
>
>Saturday
>
>Like a bad mood
>gray weather
>wakes the day
>Cinnamon tea wafts
>My children who aren’t
>children get ready
>The Sabbath is here
>It clammors for rest
>pleads for peace
>
>The men wrap with
>prayer shawls
>We observe them from
>the other side
>the glass partition
>a transparent wall
>The children still
>demand our attention
>The women watch
>
>G-d will have to wait
>
>Ryfkah 6/29/02
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