For me this works as a sequence of ideas hanging from a perfect title and
there is music in it but... too many words. Twenty two two letter words,
sticky taping it together, makes it a wee bit foggy perhaps? That would work
fine if there was a more pronounced individuality in the voice in which the
story is told, more clues as to the sound of the speaker, (it does read as
if it's a spoken piece). "Puked all over her shoes" could be a bit of a
climax, if it wasn't embedded in the middle of a line, the build up was
sharpened, and a horrified pause was added after.
I suppose what I'm trying to get at is this: Imagine this piece read by a
really good actor. What he would add would be timing.
Could you use line breaks, and tighter discipline in word choice, and/or
perhaps conversational colloquialisms to give the reader more cues as to the
timing of the sequence of words?
It's a very warm thought in there, it would be well worth tightening its
context...
Regards
Tom
----- Original Message -----
From: "Bob Cooper" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, June 29, 2002 2:34 AM
Subject: The Kingdom Of Lager & Heaven
> Hey, what's this guy playing at? How come all these poems? Here's yet
> another for C & C:
> (and, as before, the words between asterics, *like this* are to be read as
> in italics.
>
>
> The Kingdom Of Lager And Heaven
>
>
> He fell into me as, well hit and missed, we all swayed off the bus
> and Sandra caught him as we stopped singing and I swore like hell
> as she waltzed him nearer the chip shop, lowered him onto a bollard
> where he struggled to get out his fags, then took one of Sandra's, lit it
> while she smiled, spoke softly, until he leaned forward, belched loudly,
> and puked all over her shoes. She stepped to one side, still held him,
> rubbed his back, held his forehead, and crooned as if soothing a child
> while I just ate my fish with the rest until I tried to tug her away.
> But, *Fuck you Bob,* she says, *last month someone did this for me -
> said the same had happened to him - so, by Christ, I'm handing it on.*
>
> Bob Cooper
>
>
>
>
>
>
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