Thanks for all the comments about this!
It seems that footnotes might not be needed after all... (thanks for the
comments about that!)
And I guess I’ve already responded a fair bit to what Arthur’s said. But (to
continue) ...yes, I appreciate your reading of the poem. It is trying to
give images that can be associated with dying and death. (The only one you
didn’t refer to was the story - retold by Bede - about a sparrow flying out
of a storm through a hall and back into the blackness of night... And I have
a bigger bird doing the same thing! But I don’t mind if everything isn’t
discovered at a first reading, or some things aren’t discovered for years,
or at all!).
Thanks, Frank, for the comments about me saying “good looking.” I wanted to
imply youthful (and infer those for whom death isn’t, yet, a personally
expected event). I’m sorting that!
And yes, Ryfkah, I think I’ll swop the 1st two lines of the last stanza
round! That helps to make the poem do its work a lot clearer. Thanks.
And I’ll try, Gary, to adjust the sentences of the first stanza. (And play
to see if I can get rid of the “ing” words...) This section’s also very
jerky. When the house gets quieter again (and all I can hear is the poem
speaking) I’ll try a few redrafts, cos I recognise that I’m not completing
lines in the same way as I am in the other sections of the poem. Here I’m
letting phrases stumble through onto the next line. I guess the jerky effect
that’s been created may not be too successful. I like all the nouns, the
things, in this stanza – and I like the speech – but I’ll play with the
rest, see if I can smooth things out.
And thanks, Sue, for the mention of Ezra Pound & the Station On The (Paris)
Metro connection! I sort of assume lil ol Ezra was alluding to the Greek
myth about the woman who goes to the underworld – is it Euridyce? - and
returns in the spring with flowers (a sort of regeneration/springtime ritual
kind of myth) – and that’s part of what’s here (if y recognise that those
who’ve died have some sort of link to those still living. Or what I’m
showing could (merely) be a recognition that chrysanthemums are, in Japanese
culture, the flowers that are associated with funerals and grieving (It’s
advice given to businessmen going to Japan, or visiting Japanese business
people in the UK: Hey, don’t give your host a bouquet with any
chrysanthemums in it!).
I guess I’m still worried that the way I’ve chosen to present the poem – in
4 numbered sections – may hinder people making connections - and glimpsing
that there’s something thematic about the whole thing. I guess, though, if I
could find a title that somehow highlighted that the poem is focused on
separate images that are connected... Ha! I’ll have to get back into that
big dark echoey room in my brain where titles are found... and see if I can
come up with something that’s less vague in its associations about death.
It could be, tho, that the line in the last stanza “is it really like this?”
is also a distraction from the intended theme of the poem. That line, and
the title, are things that still feel insecure, still worry me... But I’m
more than grateful for the help I’ve got!
Bob



>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Travelling Out
>Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 20:33:22 +0000
>
>A poem (in 4 parts) - with the words in italics appearing *between
>asterics*
>- whaddya think? yr C & C welcome:
>
>Travelling Out
>
>        1.
>
>By the Monument everyone,
>as if they didn't, saw
>the invisible man.  Sprawled
>on the Metro steps, legless
>on cider and wine, trying
>to say, *Change, spare any
>change.* Poor bastard, needing
>what we all need, money to die.
>
>
>
>        2.
>
>As you get onto the platform
>there ought to be a jukebox -
>free, like in The Trent -
>with the 45s that bring our lives,
>neon lit, towards us,
>and here each lyric can be held
>like the white chrysanthemums
>this Japanese woman carries,
>wet in their cellophane,
>gripped below a calm face.
>
>
>
>        3.
>
>Waiting in silence
>with good-looking students,
>mums holding satchels and toddlers,
>a man with a leather suitcase,
>and the illuminated sign saying:
>*North Shields, 2 Minutes,*
>as a pigeon hurtles past
>from darkness to darkness -
>the sound of its wingbeats,
>its expressionless face -
>nobody moves.
>
>
>        4.
>
>The double carriage
>like a coffin on a catafalque
>slowly rumbles in, squeals,
>pauses as we get on, trembles,
>then mechanically sways out.
>Counting change, we sit quietly.
>Is it really like this?
>Someone reads The Chronicle,
>someone opposite stands,
>then sighs while disembarking
>in heaven or Chillingham Road.
>
>
>Bob Cooper
>
>Footnotes:
>(if y didn't need them could y let me know?)
>Monument - Grey's Monument in the centre of newcastle, also a Metro station
>Metro - an electric train
>(I think the above aren't essential myself)
>The Trent - a pub
>The Chronicle - the Newcastle Evening Chronicle, a newspaper
>
>
>
>
>
>
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