Hi Gary,
Sorry to take so long getting to this. A few comments/suggestions:
Should 'sunsets' (S1, L1) = 'sun sets' or perhaps 'sunset'? L4 'died =
'dyed'?
S2, L5 'potmarked' = 'pockmarked'?
S3, L3 starts out 'while she while she...' - a duplication error?
S4 starts out 'Me six and a half, him older/by half,...' I wasn't sure the
two 'half' words worked together - thought the first occurrence was at fault
and might be changed. L9 has 'hid' that looks like it needs to be 'hide'.
S5 has 'draws' in it, following from 'drawers a couple of lines earlier, and
I thought a diferent word may work here.
S6 has 'spend', I think it ought to be 'spent'.
Cheers and thanks for a good story Gary.
Cheers,
Frank
>2. RED
>
>
>red as a bayou sunsets
>red as a humming bird's throat
>red as an unseen stop sign
>red as the shirts Tom's mother died
> for him from flour sacks
> and second hand calico
>
>tomatoes are as red
>
>Tom St. Croix was red
>as his father was black -
>a shock of woodpecker red hair
>sat above a sienna face
>potmarked with scarlet freckles.
>The sheriff used to say
>he's the only coonboy I ever seed
>that can blush.
>
>Tom's momma was dead
>pole axed by Big Tom
>while she while she shelled
>pecans two days after Tom birthed,
>her hands stained.
>Big Tom was hung
>from a peckerwood tree,
>back striped like a cardinal's robes.
>Tom an orphan raised by Granny Leboix.
>
>red as salmon eggs
>
>Me six and a half, him older
>by half, Tom was by bestest friend.
>Summers with my mangy
>redbone, Blue, we would raid
>Old Man Crockett's watermelon patch,
>old Crotchety Crockett.
>When heat waves painted mirages
>across the tobacco fields,
>we would hid in bushes
>along the Apicolalacha River
>and watch the Beniua twins
>skinny-dip in their drawers.
>
>Winter we bucked wind
>to search draws and shore
>for treasures riding on the floods.
>Spring was for crayfish,
>bullhead and wild strawberries
>Summer we sunburned
>and Fall stained our lips
>with the last persimmons.
>
>red as a trip to the woodshed
>
>But we were not of a kind,
>though I could sit at his table,
>he never sat at mine.
>His time at our house spend
>delivering goods baked
>by Old Granny Leboix.
>As we grew Daddy would hint
>I needed new friends, and come
>4th grade we separated,
>Tom through with schooling,
>his kind worked instead of learning.
>
>Then the sun set
>and red turned to black -
>the Beniua twins found drawerless
>near the river, near a mile
>from where Tom pulled
>a rusty wagon to deliver Granny's pies
>and elderberry jelly.
>Near naked, bruised
>to new shades, they threw Tom
>into the square just as Daddy and I
>pulled in with the buggy.
>
>red as cheap wine
>
>Blue trotted over to Tom,
>sniffed the nearly dead body
>and hackles raised growled
>at the crowd of men around Tom
>and jumped the meanest man there,
>Old Crotchety, who let off both
>barrels of his shotgun, buck hitting
>the dog and enough hit Tom
>to allow the men to get home early.
>
>Four years latter, a drifter up near
>Baton Rouge confessed to what he done
>to the twins before the floor
>moved beneath his feet.
>
>Such things happened then.
>We forgot and moved on,
>Why did they have to shoot my dog?
>
>red as blood soaked dust
>red as a dog's breath in July
>red as hemlock berries
>red as oak leaves In October
>
>Christmas red,
>independence
>and Valentines traded
> in the 4th grade
>
>January guest Nat at: http://gardawg.homestead.com/gardawg.html,
>
>Submissions: http://www.writershood.com/index.html
>
>Poets for Peace. ˇPoemas sí, balas no!
>
The Tales of Faust poetry page can be found at:
http://www.hotkey.net.au/~flp/F_index.htm
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