By the way a cat mouses, also paper moving by the wind resembles a mouse's
movements for me.It works two ways.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Ryfkah *" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sunday, June 16, 2002 6:03 PM
Subject: Re: New sub: The Flats


So King Arthur, you paint a strikingly pictured poem here; nicely done...a
few suggestions for tightening and clarifying.

kol tuv, Ryfkah


In a message dated 6/16/02 9:27:53 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:

<<     The Flats

Above ringing passages
wind mutters and whimpers [let go of mutters, love whimpers]
up flights of stairs, pitched in gloom,
wedged with shadows, [shadow-wedged?]
where dust descends
a scutter of papers mouse, [don't get this line, is it a mouse or papers
moving?  how about a mouse, papers scutter?]
muddy feathers rot,
and the purpled lump of a decaying squab, [perhaps drop the and?]
beak still gawped,
serves pulsing gentles that unravel [love pulsing gentles - don't know what
it means but sounds great]
its brief web of life.  [wonderful!]

Seams of night smeared [how about making it active - the pallor of stars
smears night seams?]
by the pallor of stars.
Shapes in the car park merge,
coagulate to thicker dark,
tear comfort from each other’s arms, [wow!]
more tangled than forget, [forgot?]
as a night bird sings [maybe name it, such as as a mocking bird sings?]
to their flutes of subdued laughter
and the snorts of lust >> [great two end lines, especially snorts of lust!]