Well done, Arthur. You capture detail and find a
poem where others might have found an irritation. I
make some suggestions below: all very much imho and I
hope not too inchoate.cheers and thanks, cara
--- Arthur <[log in to unmask]> wrote: >
> Woolies at Christmas, thronged and frenetic.
>(Possibly omit 'and' though I have taken the point of
the earlier interchange about telegrammese)
> I move to pay behind a black coat, curved spine,
>
> and black plimsolls; a question mark of a woman.
> (Possibly omit 'of a' which does not have such a
good sound here)
>
>
> Pink bauble nestles in her unwashed palm.
> (Consider 'nests':I like the sound of one syllable
less)
> I catch the stale odour of hamster's cage
> (Brilliant)
> as I am pressed against her knitted tea-cosy hat.
> ('knitted tea-cosy' seems somehow too long for the
line. Could you paint the picture slightly
differently perhaps just a colour with 'knitted')
>
>
> A proffered coin rises like a crescent moon
>
> above the hill of her dirty thumb.
> (Maybe 'horizon'. 'Hill' seems a little
perfunctory.)
> I watch the tottering query of her departure,
> ('as she departs'/'leaves'. I think making this
concept more active through the use of a verb would
add to the picture.)
>
>
> remember her reflection, pink squat and distorted
> (I like the 'and' here for the pace it gives.)
> in the convexity and me beside her,
> (Not sure about 'convexity', which is a little
abstract, and think you need a reference back to the
bauble in some way- perhaps something following a 'by'
eg 'distorted by the twinkling trinket'. That precise
wording won't do, I know, but I feel you should go for
detail. I think you could drop the 'and' before 'me'
insert a semi-c and use 'myself' instead of 'me' which
is obviously grammatically correct but a little
bedevilled by contemporary usage.Also 'myself' allows
more dwelling on the beginning of the new concept.))
> a startled pink clone.
>
>
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