In a message dated 6/1/02 2:50:01 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< Jubilee
The house is bursting full [Maybe The house bursts of summer light?]
Of summer light.
It must have trickled in
Since early dawn
And commandeered the house;
Battalions bright [you use bright in your final line - do you want this
parallel structure?]
Stand in square formation
On the stairs.
I sneak behind the lines
To fetch the tea
Keeping to the shadows [love this shadows inthe hall]
In the hall.
The kitchen faces north.
It swallows me.
I am not ready yet [maybe you don't need these two lines?]
To be reborn.
Beyond, the day explodes.
It shafts the trees.
It infiltrates each blade [love this infiltrates each blade of waiting grass]
Of waiting grass.
Commands the tight wrapped buds
To struggle free.
Blanketing the garden, [perhaps these two lines are not necessary?]
Summer glares.
I catch his glance and turn
To pour my tea.
It crashes in the cup
Red-gold and white.
Caught in his arms, I smile, submit,
Deceived,
I sip his chaliced joy [love this chaliced joy]
My penny bright. [you use bright above and do you need this line; I would
end on I sip his chliced joy - very powerful!]
kol tuv, Ryfkah
01 June 2002
>>
|