he is like an onion
I peel each layer
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find nothing but tears
and the stench of him
lingering on my fingers.
Sally, a good poem, but at the risk of stepping into the fray again I would
go to:
he is like an onion
I peel each layer
find only tears
the stench of him
lingers on my fingers.
Nearly a tanka then, though the first line exceeds normal count ( I suspect
it would translate into Japanese in 5 count so it would work).
Again some of this is a matter of taste and some learned, but you have the
final say. I hope no offense for the wee rewrite.
Thanks.
Gary
January guest Nat at: http://gardawg.homestead.com/gardawg.html,
Submissions: http://www.writershood.com/index.html
Poets for Peace. ˇPoemas sí, balas no!
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