Hi Daniel,
I'll approach this from a technical point of view. I like how the rhyme is
quite subtle, going to half and quarter rhyme and the overall tone has a
certain poignance. My concerns are the the sudden move from first to third
person and the occasional grammatical fillip to/too, he's/he has. Although
there is form and rhyme I get a slightly prosaic feel about the poem, a
flatness that needs to be lifted to make the piece more effective. Hope this
helps.
bw
James
>From: "sarah.janes" <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New Sub Little lambs eat ivy
>Date: Tue, 8 Jan 2002 19:35:50 -0000
>
>I have written a few poems about my experiences of having a child with
>coeliacs disease, this is the latest. Daniel.
>
>Little lambs eat ivy
>
>I went picking shells today
>by myself, no one else to play
>found a few to put in a jar
>not to bad, I didn't wander far.
>
>No, I stayed in the safety zone
>near enough to return, the phone
>stayed in my pocket, did not ring
>in that much at least, to my liking.
>
>A man with a dog was playing catch
>all I could do was stand and watch.
>There is no solace in others' games
>when your companions gone again.
>
>Today, he's a part to play in theatre
>neither fool, lover, something meatier
>he plays his part in that tragedy
>where you win only battles, lose your vanity.
>
>I nearly tripped on some driftwood
>in my mind, was treading boards
>by the grain the wheat is tossed
>they rang to say, this time, at no cost.
>
>
>Daniel Janes
>Huddersfield 2001
bw
James
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