I agree with Ryfkah, Frank, that just a shave and a trim (with some of the
descriptive words, and the smallest words) may help. But keep the style.
It's canny, and the title's brill!
Bob
>From: Ryfkah * <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: Sub - pleasure complex
>Date: Sun, 5 May 2002 00:50:30 EDT
>
>In a message dated 4/25/02 3:51:45 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:
>
><< living colour comes only from naked skin
>and the harlequin costumes of bathers
>queuing on the platform >>
>
>I like these lines, especially term harlequin costumes.
>
>See if you can delete any adjectives or prepositional phrases and see what
>happens. I like your verse here, but it seems a bit wordy.
>
>kol tuv, Ryfkah
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