In a message dated 4/24/02 8:49:58 AM, [log in to unmask]
writes:
<< Frontispiece
With a stroke of blue, a stroke of green, [skip second stroke of?]
I'll paint an archetypal scene. [I like the word archtypal but are you
telling the reader rather than showing him/her?]
Above, deep sky; below, sweet grass [I like the internal rhyme here but maybe
something else than sweet?]
where deer and cattle softly pass.
A brush of brown becomes a oak; [Love brush of brown]
a squirrel lives with one red stroke.
I'll build a house with turtle grey, [turtle grey - is that a green/gray?]
white fences to keep fears away, [Why would white fences keep fears away?
Maybe castle walls would.]
and in the garden, rainbow shades
of flowers, shrubs and singing glades,
with blossoms, butterflies and birds
more beautiful than any words; [Interesting thought considering you are
writing a word picture with your poem]
this is my page, this is my art,
this the unlocking of my heart. [Not sure about unlocking of my heart - maybe
something fresher?]
You have lovely music in this poem. I can see the painting revealed.
kol tuv, Ryfkah
grasshopper >>
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