I like your rhyme ok, gary, and the poem in general. Re rhyme,
I think it was Maryann reminded me recently that you need to look at the
beginnings as well as the ends of lines ... and all through the lines for
sound; if one overconcentrates on rhyme, the lines can sound a bit like
didi didi didi didi clong
didi didi did didi didi blong
I think it helps a rhyme piece a lot if there are lots of assonances and
bits of the rhyme sound in among the middles of the lines. Youve got that
in, for instance, my sneeze/I'll seize. A modern rhymed poem is all the
better for the sounds going right through the verses. And the consonants
too: some of these here are good, such as ploughed under sneeze scamper.
When rhyme alerts us to the sounds like this there has to be more than just
the end rhymes, especially in a long line. You've got a very wide range of
consonants in this piece, very hard work to read aloud.
interesting though!
Sally ee
on 25/4/02 6:14 pm, Gary B at [log in to unmask] wrote:
> (oh, the limits of English rhyme...or the poet...or both)
>
>
> English Brush Experiment
>
> A brush dipped in ink touches plain paper,
> wild herbs flourish until ploughed under by my sneeze.
> I'll seize you in tall grass, and we'll scamper
> till dawn as each lover ensures the other's pleased.
>
> A draft of wine to put me at my ease,
> A fresh sheet to soon join those tossed upon the fire?
> You hide behind drift logs, ever the tease.
> When I catch you in white dunes, you claim to be tired.
>
> On the wall an old drawing I admire,
> before me nothing but blank paper and dried brushes.
> As night comes, we huddle near a bonfire;
> as sleep draws near, we know of no reason to rush.
>
> Before me a child's simple gibberish;
> ink and brush hid under bills and legal papers.
> Morning, sleepy, we head home, damp brush pushed
> back. Our thoughts of early supper and warm wrappers.
>
> Melody for April and Gar finds at: http://gardawg.homestead.com/gardawg.html
>
> The Wild/Eliot Hyperpoem at: http://wildhyper.homestead.com/front.html
>
> Poets for Peace. ˇPoemas sí, balas no!
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