I like the emotion in this, but try cutting adjectives and paring
prepositional phrases and see what results.
kol tuv, Ryfkah
In a message dated 4/20/02 6:52:15 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< Turbulence
South of Faro, homeward bound,
the sky's titanic fists hammer our fragile wings.
Ping! Fasten your seat belts!
Unloose the butterflies of terror!
Let fly the birds of blood
to fluster in our throats!
Down the aisle the ravaged child,
slack-jawed, unfocussed eyes,
head rolling like a sea-tossed skiff,
supported by her father, she honks,
flaps thin arms, flutters slender fingers,
spools threads of space into vaporous skeins.
They wait outside the toilet,
legs twitch and we politely tolerate
the danse macabre of this broken marionette.
Another thunderous blow reverberates,
our startled eyes engage a grin
she dredges from some pool of mockery deep within. >>
|