Thanks for all the kind comments on ths poem.
Terri, thanks for your helpful suggestions.I meant to suggest that the
Footman was also snickering at the measly tip, but agree it doesn't work.
Here, with your help, is the revision-is it any better?:
Snickers
I have seen the Eternal Footman
hold my coat and snicker;
he recognises off-the-peg
so I tipped him half a nicker.
I have seen the Eternal Barman
top me up and snicker
then semaphore his cronies
that I cannot hold my liquor.
I have seen the eternal Houseman
bend his ear and snicker;
grace notes for my hardboiled lungs
and my syncopated ticker.
I have seen the Eternal Frontman
raise his mike and snicker
nailing me with quirky quips
like the ghost of Alan Whicker.
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: "alderoak" <[log in to unmask]>
Subject: Re: New Sub:Snickers
> te-he
> what an original take - I love it
> comments in text
>
> Terri )O(
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "grasshopper" <[log in to unmask]>
> Subject: New Sub:Snickers
>
>
> > C&C please-the first 2 ines are from Prufrock:
> >
> >
> > Snickers
> >
> >
> > I have seen the Eternal Footman
> > hold my coat and snicker;
> > he recognises off-the-peg
> > and I tipped him half a nicker.
>
> [tense problem? recognises/tipped
>
> how about
>
> he recognises off-the-peg
> so I tip him half a nicker.
> {as in he sees I'm cheap so I act cheap?}]
>
> >
> > I have seen the Eternal Barman
> > arch his brows [all the other phrases at this point are specific to the
> actor - even the doctor's bending his head is purposive - so this bit
stands
> out as ?not adding anything to the description of the barman?] and snicker
> > then semaphore his cronies
> > that I cannot hold my liquor.
> >
> > I have seen the eternal Houseman
> > bend his ear and snicker;
> > grace notes for my hardboiled lungs
> > and my syncopated ticker.
> >
> > I have seen the Eternal Frontman
> > raise his mike and snicker
> > nailing me with quirky quips
> > like the ghost of Alan Whicker. [I like the narrative progression - and
an
> image of the afterlife as an eternal holiday camp hall of entertainment -
> euch!]
> >
> > grasshopper
> >
>
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