Frank, I like this very much, but cannot help feeling this is a poem in
motion towards itself and we are viewing a snapshot of that movement towards
what it will eventually become. It reads like instant journal entry at the
moment. Lines in a sketchbook. Terri's comments are all valid. I am a fan of
the mid line " gap" . Does that have a name? I am working with it myself
occasionally. I use it as a silence above words, if that makes sense. If I
am correct and this is a first draft then I look forward to the finished
article.Regards Arthur
----- Original Message -----
From: "alderoak" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, March 11, 2002 10:01 PM
Subject: Re: Sub - sabres at patterson river
> thanks for this glorious reminder of summer
> comments in text
> Terri )O(
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Frank Faust" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Monday, March 11, 2002 8:46 AM
> Subject: Sub - sabres at patterson river
>
>
> > (1)
> > a flotilla of flat-bottomed sabres
> > red triangled teeth atop the white of a single sail
> > forty strong and tacking tightly bunched
> > with just one straggler to the rear [wonderfully aggressive first 4
lines]
> > and one that is running hard to port and pointing
> > at my piece of floury yellow sand [lovely]
> > marked out as personal territory by towel and book [good shift to
pedantic
> homeliness]
> > and the clear blue overlay of cloudless sky [do you get these down
under?
> huh!]
> >
> > (2)
> > I have waited these three slow-passing months
> > of damp and lukewarm pseudo-summer [you should try the UK]
> > for such a day of unambiguous stinging heat
> > the salt water is already autumn sharp
> > a rapid-cooling contrast to the dry tem[p]erature
> > rising from carpark bare beach above water level [carpark bare? a bit
> confusing]
> > [but] the slap of small-wave motion -
> > enough to force the awkwardness of walking on tip-toes
> > with every rise in depth towards the nethers -
> > is worth enduring for the clean freshness
> > of first submergence and aquatic acclimatisation
> >
> > (3)
> > the wind is on the rise the water[ less inviting] [bit boring]
> > sabre teeth are bare poles and singing metal lines [good description]
> > pulled up before the training clubrooms and above high tide
> > various parties are packing up and going home
> > despite forty five degrees of sun remaining before curtain fall
> > on this Patterson River of powder-sand gulls
> > and boats returning to the river mouth channel in search of berthing
> > trailing a bright and silver shiver on the water
> > to reflect the last remnants of a Sunday on the bay [not sure this line
> bears the weight of all the above?]
> >
> > ~
> >
> > Frank
> >
> > The Tales of Faust poetry page can be found at:
> > http://www.hotkey.net.au/~flp/F_index.htm
> >
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
> > Chat with friends online, try MSN Messenger: http://messenger.msn.com
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