Thanks Arthur, Ryfkah,Christina for your appreciation.
Terrie, Thanks for your careful suggestions.  I looked
with horror at the draft I had used and realised I had
copied 'house' as the final word instead of 'home'
which I had placed in another draft so I am 100% with
you there. I had thought about the 'ands' an 'thes'
and will continue to think about them.  I like the
sound of'to' instead of 'in' although I can hear some
objections that this may restrict the meaning.

Thanks again,
cheers,cara


 --- tlrelf <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > Hi Cara:
> Love this one!  I made a few line suuggestions which
> you should take with a
> grain of salt as they're just my opinion.  When I
> read it through a couple
> of times, I kept trying to skip those words and/or
> replace them.  Guess this
> poem reached me so much that I felt it was mine!
>
> Terrie
> >                       Accounts---> "An
> Accounting"?
> >
> >
> >
> >         Your credit card statements
> >         tell me about the expenses---> take out
> "about"?
> >         of your journeys--->take out "your"
> >         in your native New South Wales--->"to
> your" instead of "in your"?
> >         as I mind--->new verse begins here?
> >         your house and your bills;--->remove
> semicolon?
> >         look at the pictures--->remove "the"?
> >         and posters which once
> >         figured on shared walls;--->remove
> semicolon?
> >         think of the losses and gains--->remove
> "the"
> >         of having moved out--->"of moving out"?
> >         into my own house.--->"home" instead of
> "house" to connote more
> than a place to live, but the narrator's inner
> sanctum?
> >
> >
> >
> > cara                               march 2002
> >

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