I like the premise behind this and I am reluctant, as always, to suggest
alterations. Please accept I do so in kindness and trepidation.
Unbeknownst= unknown
"wade" suggests partial submersion so it could read 'through' not 'on' the
surface of the waves.
'lens' perhaps better pluralised.
Retaining tense it might read better as 'we could teach them more than this
if they would honour etc'.
Capitalise "Do" in "Do I dare to...."or even" Do we dare to ...." picking up
on the " We've asked ourselves...."
Shouldn't it be 'Perhaps it was me"??( not sure myself here).
Another grammatical poser of which I am unclear but if species is a singular
noun can it pick up " their" eyes later or should it be " its eyes"??
Apart fom these few trivial nits I thorough;y enjoyed the notion of
this...........on the quiet I would even say I subscribe to it.
----- Original Message -----
From: "tlrelf" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sunday, March 03, 2002 10:02 AM
Subject: Re: hypertext poem--request for C&C
> Unbeknownst to human kind,
> we have lingered in the chambers of the sea.
> They look skyward, think us there,
> yet we wade on the surface of their waves,
> watch as they direct their lens
> to measureless space.
>
> They listen on their radios,
> spend billions on pseudoscience.
> We could teach them more than this,
> if they honor the promised code:
> "We come in peace".
>
> We've asked ourselves,
> "do I dare disturb the universe?"
> certain that we already have.
> This is a question they've rarely asked,
> while polluting that space they so love to explore.
>
> Perhaps you've noticed a peculiar shimmer
> from the corner of your eye,
> and thought it rays of sun or moon captured by the waves.
> Perhaps it was I, or another of my kind;
> our obsidian orbs cast an eerie light.
>
> Marooned on a planet far from home,
> we often dwell upon ironies such as this:
> a species who expends so much to deny
> what is right before their eyes.
>
> I ask you now, who is watching whom?
>
> And so I've placed this "poem" in a bottle,
> discarded by a careless child.
> But in this, as with many things,
> we find purpose where none was claimed.
>
> When it rains, we dance upon your moonlit shores,
> burrow in your sands to
> spawn, then pray our hatchlings will remember all
> and so bequeath you history.
>
> There was a time when people knew
> that the sea was source of life immortal.
> From it we come, to it we return,
> waves thrashing upon the shore.
>
> Yes, life does hover at universe's edge;
> a moon, and behind it, stars.
>
> Terrie
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