I agree with Frederick about the 'mournful ghosts', that's a no-no. Too the
slippage towards abstraction at the close is a weakening. But it is
otherwise a strong poem, I like those 'shawls of fog', that's a striking
image.
Best
Dave
David Bircumshaw
Leicester, England
Home Page
A Chide's Alphabet
Painting Without Numbers
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/david.bircumshaw/index.htm
----- Original Message -----
From: "Frederick Pollack" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sunday, November 24, 2002 10:28 PM
Subject: Re: Empty
Claire Gaskin wrote:
>
> nice one
> strong opening
> I like the first two lines
> and the last
> Claire
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Jon Corelis" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Monday, November 25, 2002 8:26 AM
> Subject: Empty
>
> > Empty
> >
> >
> > I stood with you at your grave,
> > watching the rain erase your name from the stone.
> > Your damp face scanned the sky for a trace of your days
> > as the mournful ghosts huddled round,
> > sobbing into their shawls of fog. You laid
> > a handful of thorns on the mound where the grass grew black.
> > Your eyes were empty of anger. Your eyes were empty
> > of expectation. Your eyes were empty of fulfillment.
> >
> >
> >
> > ==================================================
> >
> > Jon Corelis [log in to unmask]
> > www.geocities.com/joncpoetics
> >
> > ==================================================
> >
"Mournful ghosts" is a cliche, no matter where it's placed; I don't feel
that even the freshness of "shawls of fog" revivifies it. The parataxis
at the end does not defeat the abstractness of "anger" etc. In fact, I
think the line "Your eyes were empty of anger, expectation and
fulfillment" would be stronger - uncompromising, bald. Like the basic
conceit, standing with "you at your grave," and the way it's stated.
That metaphor and its straightforwardness make the poem.
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