-----Original Message-----
From: Lisa Hess <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask] <[log in to unmask]>
Date: 29 May 2001 00:43
Subject: Children of Divorce


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>Children of Divorce Still Feel Alone
>
>By MARTHA IRVINE
>.c The Associated Press
>
>
>TRAVERSE CITY, Mich. (AP) - Sometimes just one little comment triggers the
>sad, nervous feeling Lauren Recchia gets in her stomach when her parents'
>divorce comes up, even four years after the split.
>
>``You have a dad?'' a fellow third-grader asked recently when 8-year-old
>Lauren produced a homework paper her father had helped her complete the
night
>before. ``It doesn't seem like you do.''
>
>Comments like those only deepen the feeling that Lauren and many other
>children from divorced families say they have: Even though new data
indicates
>single-parent homes are more common than ever, many still feel like
>outsiders.
>
>The University of Chicago's biennial General Social Survey, taken last
year,
>found that more than a fifth of children in surveyed households lived in
>single-parent homes - a fourfold increase since the first survey in 1972.
The
>2000 Census found a similar trend.
>
>Lauren is one of those children.
>
>Most of the time, she lives with her mother just outside Traverse City, a
>Lake Michigan resort town that - counting the outlying subdivisions among
the
>region's corn fields, hardwood forests and cherry orchards - is home to
about
>78,000 people. She's with her dad, a doctor who lives nearby, on Wednesday
>nights and many weekends.
>
>``We both get a lot of special one-on-one time with her,'' says Lauren's
>mother, Kim Coleman, a pediatrician. ``So that's been one good thing to
come
>out of a difficult situation.''
>
>Still, in the last year, Coleman has noticed Lauren worrying more about
what
>people think, setting off those familiar butterflies or a case of the
>``angries'' when the divorce, or her father's more recent split from his
>second wife, come up.
>
>``When it bothers you,'' Lauren says, sitting on her bed at her mom's
house,
>``it bothers you a lot.''
>
>There are those children who say divorce has actually improved their lives.
>
>``At first, it was the most horrible thing,'' says 14-year-old Tori
>Schemelia, who lives in East Windsor, N.J., with her father and his new
wife.
>Now, says her 10-year-old sister, Emily, ``there's no yelling at all.''
>
>Others say they never really get over it, including Timothy Dickey, a
writer
>from Los Angeles whose parents divorced each other twice in the 1970s.
>
>``I could probably guess if someone's parents are divorced or not, just by
>talking to them for a few minutes,'' says Dickey, now 32. ``There's more
>cynicism.''
>
>Even with the growing number of children going through divorce today,
experts
>say services for them are sorely lacking, especially in a legal system
known
>for pitting parent vs. parent.
>
>Andrew Schepard, director of the Center for Children, Families and Law at
>Hofstra University on New York's Long Island, helped found a court-based
>program in his county that is one of a small but growing number that
provide
>social workers and therapists specifically for children of divorcing
parents.
>
>The many children from divorced families she was seeing in her medical
>practice - and the lack of coordinated services - also inspired Lauren's
mom
>to help set up the Divorce Resource Center in Traverse City 18 months ago.
>
>She hopes what's starting as an information hot line will grow into a
>nonprofit center with everything from neutral space for parents to exchange
>children to bus service to the local women's shelter.
>
>``Divorce is a part of our culture,'' Coleman says. ``We can either pretend
>it isn't there, or we can provide resources for people who are trying to
make
>that transition.''
>
>Among other things, the center tracks services for children, including a
>support group at one elementary school for students whose parents have
split.
>Students at Sabin Elementary call it the ``divorce club.''
>
>To get them talking, social worker Deb Newhouse sometimes hands students a
>backpack full of rocks painted with the names of feelings and emotions that
>may be weighing them down.
>
>She holds up a green rock with the word ``SHAME'' on it.
>
>``I'm always amazed how much they know what that is,'' Newhouse says.
>
>In the end, kids often find they share the same worries.
>
>``They want their parents to get along. They want to know it's not their
>fault,'' she says. ``And they want to know that even though the family
looks
>different, they'll be taken care of.''
>
>One of the big things on Lauren's mind lately is her mother's upcoming
>marriage in August.
>
>She admits that she's having trouble sharing her mom with her new
boyfriend.
>And she says she's also trying to give up a longtime dream: that her
parents
>will get back together.
>
>``It's like wanting a doll that costs a billion dollars,'' Lauren says.
>
>Her mom is aware of Lauren's feeling - and divorce statistics. A new
federal
>study found that nearly 40 percent of second marriages for women end in
>separation or divorce within 10 years.
>
>But she's optimistic her new marriage will give Lauren the sense of family
>she's been craving.
>
>``I used to feel so bad for Lauren. I mean, my dad used to come home and
give
>my mom a hug and a kiss. They've always been so respectful of one
another,''
>Coleman says.
>
>``I want Lauren to know what that's like. And I think she will - I really
>do.''
>
>On the Net:
>
>KidsPeace site with divorce info for teens: http://www.teencentral.net
>
>Children and Divorce site: http://www.childrenanddivorce.com
>
>AP-NY-05-28-01 1249EDT
>
>Copyright 2001 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP
news
>report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed
>without the prior written authority of The Associated Press.  All active
>hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.
>
>Lisa Suzanne Hess, BA, RC, MA Candidate
>Beauty From Ashes Counseling
>