[Needs a dark title that hooks the reader in]
In a message dated 10/22/01 7:32:44 PM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< So dark, [Maybe start with The beat; this way you don't tell the reader
but show him/her]
the world,
has become.
the beat has slowed to the ancient drum [how about present tense?]
the time to see the chaotic detail of
the realm of the finite, has come. [try paring down the prepositions]
where our souls dwell,
our bodies our brains,
our memories swell
of the clay, coloured by our imaginations
seen with our logic.
So dark [Here again you repeat dark; try metaphor for dark instead]
it all
has become
The depression sweeps through my vessel,
chemicals rush through my veins, torturing the perfect soul.
my imagination gone, left with my clay logic am I,
I see it all in black and grey, I hope,
it never ends. The clarity brought only by the end,
is after all the fundamental right
of a being of this realm of finite >> I like the realm of finite - want to
know its sensuality]
kol tuv, Ryfkah
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